


Tales of Syntha-Dicks

by fanboytrippin



Category: Almost Human
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cats, Christmas, Ficlet, Gen, Human!Dorian, JHN!John, M/M, Mistletoe, Role Reversal, Secret Santa, Sickfic, Star Trek - Freeform, Tattoos, Tumblr Prompt, jorian - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-04 07:39:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 6,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanboytrippin/pseuds/fanboytrippin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of various tumblr requests and ficlets</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "I saw someone ask this before somewhere, but Jorian AU where Dorian is the Cheery cop and John is the cranky android?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw someone ask this before somewhere, but Jorian AU where Dorian is the Cheery cop and John is the cranky android?

The JHN unit was cranky. If all of his line was like this, it’s no wonder they were all decommissioned.

"Well what are you looking at? I’m sure you didn’t get me activated just so you could stare."

Dorian started, turning back to face the front of his vehicle. “Uh, yeah.” He wouldn’t lie, with his hard frown and piercing eyes, the reactivated JHN unit intimidated him in a way that his old MX (sent in for maintenance due to a fatal programming error) never did.

"You look a little dazed there detective. You forget your morning cup of coffee or something?" His face lite up in a network of blue. "From my scans, it seems you forgot to take your breakfast all together. That’s not a smart idea considering the numerous studies showing how forgoing that morning meal leads to a noticeable decrease in performance."

"Hey man, my performance is just fine," Dorian chuckled, "I just overslept a bit today and didn’t get a chance to duck into Dunkin’ for my daily fix."

The JHN rolled its eyes. “Judging from my scans, you haven’t been ‘performing’ in a quite while.” Its eyes flicked downward before sweeping back up to meet the human’s, one eyebrow raised.

Dorian spluttered. “Perfom- what?” The JHN’s eyes flicked down again. “Hey, hey, hey! Where are you scanning?!”

The JHN huffed. “Don’t take it so personally. My scans are purely professional,” he said, turning back to face the front of the car. Dorian continued to gawk.

"Well detective? Are we going somewhere or what?" the JHN said, a hint of a smirk creeping into his face. Dorian continued to gape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to drop me a prompt at [here](fanboytrippin.tumblr.com/asks)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dorian has never celebrated Christmas before and john discovers Dorian is hell-bent on learning about mistletoe when he finds it all around his apartment

They appear one by one over the course of the week.

He finds the first in his jacket. A sprig of green and red berries that rubs weirdly against his chest as he shrugs on his leather coat and has him muttering a quick ‘what the fuck’ before he brushes the thing off his clothes.

He finds the next bit inside his coffee mug. Inside. He has to spit the stuff out because isn’t the stuff poisonous or something? Besides it leaves a wicked aftertaste in his mouth. Blegh.

What takes the cake is the bit hung on his shower head. Bits of the plant fling themselves at his naked self when he turns on the water, like little red holiday bullets.

He picks up his phone in a huff, still dripping wet and hisses at the ‘person’ that picks up. “You.”

"John? Are you alright? You seem upset?"

John has to hold back a curse. “You’re damn right I’m upset! Stopping hiding weeds all over my apartment!”

There’s a pause at the other end of the line. “It’s just mistletoe John, it’s harmless. I’m just trying to get a better grasp of the human holiday of Christmas.”

"Don’t give me that," John huffs, "I know you’re smart enough to handle and process a simple Google search on the uses of mistletoe during the holidays. Uses which do not include flavoring my coffee!"

"If you’re so upset about it, I’ll gladly remove the rest of the plants I set up around your house," Dorian said, sounding put out, "I’m already at your door anyway."

"You’re at my door!?"

The doorbell rung.

Cursing, John ambled over to the entrance of his apartment only to see his android partner unlock and enter on his own. Catching his surprised, Dorian smiled beatifically at him.

"John, I’m not sure you’re aware but a towel is not appropriate attire to greet your coworker in."

Red faced and frustrated, John let out a grumbled, “Who invited you in here anyway,” before making his way over to his room to get dressed.

Pulling on pants and a shirt, John threw a glance at the robot currently hanging at the doorway to his room. Fully dressed, he stalked up to the bot and crossed his arms.

"So? What did your search into human holidays turn up?"

"Not much," Dorian replied. "Just that any two people caught beneath the plant are required by tradition to exchange a kiss."

John narrowed his eyes suspiciously at his partner. “Okay.” He pauses before angling to move past Dorian, towards the door. Dorian blocked his way.

"John," he said, pointedly looking up. John followed his gaze.

Mistletoe.

"It’s tradition John."

Rolling his eyes, John couldn’t help the beginnings of a smile from creeping onto his face.

Damn synthetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to drop me a prompt at [here](fanboytrippin.tumblr.com/asks)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John takes Dorian to get a tattoo and Rudy being pissed about it?

"You gave him a tattoo!?" Rudy shouted, voice echoing through his lab.

John shrugged, “Yeah, I mean why not? I’m personalizing my workplace. My workplace being Dorian.” He motioned at the DRN. “Besides,” he smirked, “I think it’s tasteful.”

"Nothing about writing ‘Syntha-Dick’ across his chest plate is tasteful!" Rudy cried, pulling at his hair.

"But it’s in cursive! Amazon BT even!"

Rudy made a choking sound. “It’s not appropriate!” He turned to Dorian, “How and why did you let him do this to you?”

Dorian blinked before turning to John.

"John told me it fit because," he paused before continuing in the voice of his now snickering partner, “‘Any human would be proud of what you have packing. As a bot who’s coworkers are about as anatomically correct as a storefront mannequin, you should be doubly proud .’"

By now John was on the floor, beside himself with laughter. Rudy just gaped, before setting aside his tool and walking a bit too calmly towards the exit. He was not dealing with this.

"If it helps, I think my logic processors were damaged during the last mission!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John takes ~~Victoria~~ Valerie on a date and Dorian gets jealous? :)

When he found out, it was like his entire system froze momentarily.

"You’re going on a date with Detective Stahl?"

John rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dorian, I am. I’d have thought that after all the effort you’d put into hinting at our unresolved sexual tension, you’d have expected this?”

"I expected it to stay unresolved," Dorian replied curtly. John just gave him a frown before rolling his eyes and gathering his things, presumably to go home and get ready for the night.

"Seriously man? I never thought you’d have gotten up the courage to ask her out," Dorian blurted, unable to stop himself. He leaned against John’s desk, gripping the edge tightly, while he watched the man ready himself to leave.

"Oh, I didn’t. Valerie asked me," he paused, "Always surprising me, that one. Just mentioned it like it was nothing while we were watching sports and sipping bourbon after the Ethan Avery thing."

Dorian frowned, “Like the psychic said.”

John nodded.

"I thought you didn’t believe in that stuff," Dorian pressed.

"And I thought you’d be happy for me," John replied, leveling the android with a look. He shrugged, "Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that you were scanning my jewels and telling me I was backed up? And making up shit for an online dating profile?”

Dorian nodded. “I know, I guess… I guess I’m just surprised.”

"Yeah, well update your files and get over it," John said, wrestling his way into his coat. "I’ll see you in the morning." With that, he gave a wave and walked away.

It was a long time before Dorian could let go of John’s desk and return to his charging station, back with the MX-43’s and their unfeeling eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is spending christmas alone and rudy and Dorian decide to pop by and surprise him with gifts and decorations!

Thanks! I thought it was an appropriate pun.

\--

John wearily eased himself into his chair, bottle of vodka in hand and crappy Christmas special on the TV in front of him. Alone for the holidays, that was a first. Or maybe, he mused, it wasn't, since he'd spent more than a year and a half in a coma. The last holiday he'd been conscience for, he'd had Anna and... Yeah, that's not a train of thought he'd be hopping on anytime soon. Nope, tonight was about him and the copious amounts of alcohol that would soon be running through his veins.

Unfortunately for him, he'd only gotten through his first swig of his bottle before his doorbell rung.

"Rudy," he deadpanned, opening the door.

"John," Rudy replied, wide eyed all looking all about ready to turn tail and run. They stared each other down for a bit. "Uhm, I brought Margarita mix?"

"And decorations," came a familiar voice as Dorian stepped out of an elevator and into the hall. Now it was his turn to get hit by John's stare.

"I should've known this was you. This has got 'Synthetic Without Boundaries' written all over it."

"It really was his idea," Rudy cut in. "I was just going to stay at the lab to finish a few updates for the MX-43's before New Years." John gave him an exasperated look.

"It's really more for Rudy than you John," Dorian said. "He still thinks spending time with the MX's is a good idea."

John cracked a smile. "Well, I don't know, Dorian. At least the MX's have a silent mode."

"MX's don't have a silent mode," Rudy piped up.

John rolled his eyes. "Leave the decorations and bring the booze. We'll have ourselves a merry little Christmas or something."

"If by merry, you mean 'very' and by 'little' you mean alcoholic, I'm all in," said Rudy, pushing his way through, decorations and all. The comment took John by surprise, which is probably why he didn't notice Dorian's smirk as he walked past him into his apartment.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Rudy should get a tattoo (I bet collectively John Dorian and Valarie could talk Rudy into it *snrk*)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Rudy. He comes off skittish to me, so I'm gonna have him dig himself into a hole, ok? Same continuity as the Syntha-Dick Ficlet as before for this one!
> 
> Again, I know jack shit about tattoos. Also, I didn't mean to imply anything about tattoos or those who wear them. I do think Rudy would get easily flustered by women though, just my opinion. I also think Valerie likes to tease him about how flustered he gets, cause she thinks it's kinda cute. ;P

Rudy Lom did not want a tattoo.

"Are you sure Rudy? It'd look pretty bad ass," John said. "They're an art in their own right. If you wanted, I could hook you up with the girl who gave me mine."

"John, not everyone wants to look badass," Rudy said without looking up from his work. "Some of us, just want to look," he paused, "respectable."

John frowned. "Are you saying my tattoo doesn't make me look respectable?"

Rudy dropped his instrument and spun around, hands up defensively "What? No! No. Tattoos are great. Even a symbol of status in some circles, I hear. Like the Yakuza."

"So you're saying I look like a belong in the Yakuza," John said, voice low.

"No! No, I didn't say that!"

"Then what does someone 'respectable' look like to you?" John asked.

"Well they wear nice nice hats and glasses, for one!" Rudy blurted. "Possibly velvet. In a suit form. Hm... Red velvet in suit form with a matching hat," he said, turning back to his work. John just shook his head and laughed.

*.*.

"Tattoos aren't that bad," Dorian said. "I kinda like mine."

"For chrissakes Dorian, that monstrosity John had printed across your chest plate barely counts," Rudy replied. "Besides, it probably wasn't even applied the same was as a regular tattoo, what with your synthetic skin being compositionally different than a human's."

Dorian nodded. "You're right. Mine was applied with stencils, spray paint, and wax."  
Rudy nodded.

"Also a blowtorch."

Rudy spluttered and all thoughts of body ink fled his mind as he proceeded to start a diagnostic of the possible damage a blowtorch could have caused to Dorian's circuitry.

*.*.

"I had a tattoo once," Valerie mused.

"O-Oh really."

"Yeah," Valerie said, carefully picking her way through Rudy's lab. "I got really drunk once. Got a pink unicorn printed on the inside of my thigh." Rudy's gaze dropped downwards before snapping back up. "Thank god that it's so easy to get those things removed nowadays, am I right?"

"Y-Yes, of course," Rudy said.

"Anyway, now the only tattoo I have is a hummingbird above my heart," she said, drawing a circle right above where the tattoo would be located. "It's a reference to an old song my mom liked to play when I was a kid." She shrugged. "I'm sentimental like that."

Rudy only nodded. 

*.*.

Rudy Lom did not want a tattoo. But somehow, here he was, surrounded by two co workers and a DRN, getting one anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Bones x Dorian fluff on the Enterprise? :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short... Ficlet Lite. Ft. Past!Jorian, JorianxMcCoy, and hints at reincarnation. I do love crossover fics with whatever roles Karl Urban has played though, I just honestly couldn't think of anything ;P.

John Kennex died over a hundred years ago, but Dorian lived on. And it's because he lived on that he now finds himself comfortably sat on the holodeck of the Enterprise huddled next to one Leonard McCoy.

"Bourbon?" McCoy drawled, offering him a glace.

"You know I don't drink, Len," Dorian said, peering up at the stars.

"Mmm, yeah, but I'm a little drunk," McCoy murmured, turning his face into Dorian's neck.

"You're blood alcohol level suggests that you are more then a 'little' inebriated."

McCoy huffed out a laugh. "Damn robots."

Dorian rolled his eyes, throwing an arm around his friend. "You love it."

"Mmm, you're really warm."

Dorian smiled softly. John used to say the same thing. But John was dead and Dorian lived on. For a hundred years and more, he would live on, waiting to encounter his John in whatever form he might take and by whatever name he may be called. Because he was his partner and always would be.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: John give inappropriate gifts to his co-workers! (bonus points if Detective Paul gets a gag or something cause he needs to shut up)

John Kennex was in a good mood. Captain Sandra Maldonado could've chalked it up to the holiday spirit, but she knew better. She knew John. And she also knew that whatever he had planned, she could only wait and hope that it didn't do too much damage.

*.*.

Dorian received the first gift and had almost turned it into the precinct equivalent of the 'lost and found' before he caught sight of his name stuck on the sparkly pink wrapping paper.

"Well what do I do with it?" he asked.

"You open it, Dorian," Maldonado said, opening her drawer and pulling out a pair of scissors. "Well? Go on."

Carefully, and a bit suspiciously, Dorian cut the bow atop the gift box and peeled apart the wrapping paper. There, on a moderately expensive looking wooden plaque, was the word "Humanity" printed in gold.

Had Sandra been drinking her coffee, she would have spit it out. Instead, she stifled a laugh and turned her attention to the note accompanying the gift.

"'A DRN's primary function is to look like us, act like us, and even attempt to feel like us. I've saved you the trouble. Enjoy you're humanity,'" Dorian read aloud. He paused. "That is not funny."

Maldonado let out a totally legitimate, not at all fake, cough, clearing her throat. It was a little bit.

*.*.

Rudy had no idea how this is his life. One minute he's patching up a faulty MX, the next, its seducing him.

"We don't have to do anything if you don't want to," the droid said, resting a hand on his chest "I'm a very good listener."

"I, err, I think I'd rather just run some diagnostics," Rudy said, trying to escape the focus of the bot's intense leer. And seriously, who knew an MX-43 was even capable of leering?

"It's fine, I've passed all my tests."

"Yeah, well, you can never be too sure," Rudy chuckled nervously, plugging his cable into its access port. Completely professionally of course.

Just then, Rudy's e-mail pinged. 1 New Message.

"I heard you like sexbots," Rudy read, face heating up, "No need to thank me?!"

Rudy spent the next six hours restoring the MX's programing, though he may or may not have saved the downloaded sexbot code to a secure server.

*.*.

Valerie got booze. Lots and lots of booze and no one questioned it because the last time the precinct went out to a bar together, she drank all her coworkers under the table.

*.*.

Detective Paul didn't see what hit him. Literally, because one moment he was walking out of the precinct and the next he was waking up in some kinky BDSM torture house where a man in very tight leather was brandishing a bull whip and giving him the side eye.

Detective Paul didn't see what hit him, but by the end of the night he didn't really care.

What he did care about, though, was the extra large 50% off coupon to "Big Bearry's Rowdy Rough House" he found on his desk the next morning for all the precinct to see.

*.*.

John Kennex was in a good mood. Any of his coworkers chalking it up to the holiday season should know better, but they weren't completely wrong.

"Have fun playing Secret Santa, John?" Maldonado asked as he walked by her office the following morning.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about Sandra," he replied, going along his merry way.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awkward new years kisses? (either John and Dorian or stahl and maldanado)

Detective John Kennex was drunk. Not just tipsy, but drunk. In fact, so was everyone in his living room, save Dorian, the synthetic little shit.

"John," Dorian said, gently taking the bottle from his hands, "I think you've had enough."

"N-no, Dorian," John hiccuped, "Giv-Givvit back."

"Yeah, Doooorian! Let John have some fun," Valerie wailed from her position slouched on the couch by John's TV. "And bring me more BOOZE!"

"Detective Stahl, I don't think either you or John would benefit from anymore liquor."

"Nonsense, Dor," John slurred. "W're fine. This's nuthing. We've had less to drink th'n Rudy!"

"Rudy is currently passed out in the corner, John."

"It's fine Dorian," Captain Maldonado said, striding into the room, one hand holding a recently refilled glass of wine. She seemed to get more graceful while inebriated, Dorian noted. "It's not very often John gets to unwind like this." Regally, she took a sip of her drink. "Besides, you can always tease him tomorrow when he's hungover to high hell."

John blew a raspberry at her. "Pssh, Mal-ma-donooo. You're no fun."

The captain rolled her eyes. "Hush and watch the countdown."

Turning his attention toward the tiny television set in the center of the room, John sighed, pouting for all the drunken eyes of his colleges to see. For a few moments there was silence.

10...

Holographic images began to flare across the night sky.

9...

A colorful ball materialized at the top of Time Square.

8...

Dorian felt John lean heavily on his side.

7...

Dorian turned his head towards John, inquisitively.

6...

John stared Dorian directly in the eye.

5...

John leaned into Dorian.

4...

Dorian didn't lean away.e

3...

"Aww, screw it," John slammed his mouth into his partner's and kept it there for the rest of the countdown. After that, the rest of it didn't really matter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian moving into John's house x)

Dorian surveyed John's house carefully.

"Well?"

"Well, what?" Dorian asked.

"Well I hope you don't expect me to bring your charging station up here for you," John said, impatiently. "And I especially hope you don't think I'm going to help you set it up."

"John," Dorian said, seriously. "You can barely set up the coffee maker in the precinct break room. You're not touching my charging station."

John huffed. "So much thanks for the man who saved you from the MX's and 'their cold lifeless eyes.'"

Dorian laughed. "That's a misquote. But I do thank you for opening up your home to me, man."

Waving him off, John headed for the kitchen. "Yeah, well you're gonna have to pull your own weight around here. Cooking, cleaning, the like."

Dorian cocked his head to the side. "You are aware that I don't eat," he called.

"You are aware that I burn ramen," John shot back.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wants a cat but he's allergic so, as a christmas gift, Dorian asks Rudy to fashion a synthetic cat that could be johns companion

"It's a cat," John said, surveying the animal curiously. "I'm allergic to cats."

Dorian nodded.

"I'm allergic to all cats," John continued, "Not just the regular ones, but the hypoallergenic ones and the genetically modified ones too."

Dorian just nodded again.

"So why, in god's name, did you buy me a cat?" John exclaimed exasperatedly.

"Because you like cats," the android replied, "And this isn't any ordinary cat."

"What part of the word 'all' don't you understand?"

Dorian rolled his eyes, picking the feline up carefully, "This isn't a regular cat, John. It isn't even a cat at all." Hitting a button on the animal's bright blue collar, the cat's image flickered before revealing pale blue plastic.

"It's a synthetic," John said, dumbstruck.

"Yup," Dorian replied happily, "I had Rudy make it for you after offhandedly mentioning the general distaste felines harbor toward your person. He thought it was sad."

John scoffed. "Cats like me just fine, Dorian."

"Yeah, well," Dorian said, putting the bot down and reactivating it's holographic image, "Your dubious relationship with the Felis genus aside, I know you don't have a problem with synthetics." He smiled. "Why else do you think I stick around you," he said, turning on his heel to leave.

John kept the cat.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You said to send prompts for Almost Human ficlets, so how about: John and Dorian are stuck in an elevator thanks to some bad guy, and It turns out that John is either secretly claustrophobic, or he ends up needing to or really very badly and won't because he doesn't want to whip it out in front of Dorian because he feels inferior (thanks episode five!).

John felt his heart stop with the elevator. "No. No no no no no no! What happened?!"

"John?" Dorian said from beside him. "This building's generators are currently experiencing power fluctuations due to the inclement winter weather."

"Great," John muttered, backing up the four foot length of the elevator floor and sliding down against the wall. "Aren't there supposed to be backups so this type of thing doesn't happen?"

Dorian nodded. "The elevators are supposed to be connected to an alternative power source, yes. My scans indicate that your apartment complex is guilty of several building violations." He paused. "John. Are you okay?"  
John let out a shaky sigh. "Just fine, Dorian."

Dorian crouched down until he was eye level with his partner. "I don't think I even have to tell you anything about my scans to prove that you're lying."

John looked the bot in the eye. "I have a problem with enclosed spaces, okay?" he said, gravely.

"Claustrophobia," Dorian replied, matter-of-factly, moving until he was sitting besides John on the floor, shoulders barely touching.

"What, no wikipedia facts to help calm me down?" John asked sarcastically, closing his eyes tightly and trying to control his breathing.

"Nothing that I think you'd want to hear or consider listening to."

John laughed. "You know me so well."

"I'm basically programed to. Like I said, John, I actually pay attention to details."

John huffed out a breath. "Damn synthetic."

Dorian gave him a smile. "You love it."

And as the lights flicked back on, John couldn't help thinking that _Yeah, maybe I do_.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Jorian pwp <3
> 
> Response? Not smut. More Christmas tinged fic. My head canon is that John's family has a farm in the countryside *cough cough* Georgia *cough cough*.
> 
> Fuck he's probably Leonard Mccoy's great grand papi or something. Curse my Star Trek Crossover addiction.
> 
> Mmmm. I got this prompt before I mentioned I don't write pwp, so I made it as suggestive as possible. But it's possible I fucked up because I've never seen anyone churn butter before. Oh well, use your imaginations?

John groaned, breathing heavily.

"Slow down, John, breathe. This isn't a race."

He grunted in affirmation. He slowed his pace, the up and down motions of his arms becoming more rhythmic and measured instead of frantic like before.

"You might want to adjust your hands. Your grip doesn't look like it's conducive to a strong and steady motion."

John glared at Dorian. "I bet you're having a great time watching me struggle, huh?"

Dorian smiled, "A bit. I have to admit John, this isn't something I'd ever pictured you doing."  
John paused to wipe the sweat beading off his forehead. "What can I say, I'm full of surprises."  
Sighing, he resumed his pace, maybe a bit slower than before. Dorian was right, no use tiring himself out before the night even began. Besides, he was almost finished anyway.

Dorian stood up. "I'll go tell your Mom that you'll be done churning the butter soon." He fixed John with a curious look, "I'm amazed that in this day and age people still make things in such an archaic way."

Standing up with him, John shrugged,"It may be archaic, but Christmas dinner tastes better when everything's hand made. It adds character or something."  
Just then a call came from the house. "John! Are you finished over there in the barn yet? I'lll be needing that butter soon, young man!"

"Yeah Ma! It's done!" he hollered back.

"Then what are you waiting for?! Bring it here! And your cute robot boyfriend, too, I need help opening up some jars!"  
John rolled his eyes while Dorian snickered beside him. He pushed him to the side and to his surprise, Dorian pushed back.

They walked back to the house in companionable silence.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Omegaverse! Every fandom needs it! John is an omega in heat, Dorian is modled after an alpha, and functions he just don't lose control of himself. So he help John thru his heat and they start dating after. :D
> 
> Notes: My policy is no smut fics, so I'm gonna work around that. Not great with the alpha/omega dynamics either, but I like making AU fics, so I decided to give it a go. Not porny, only alluding to heat, sorry?
> 
> This universe works like this: Alpha and Omega relationships serve as stabilizing pairs. Omegas without alphas either have truly submissive personalities or overly dominant ones. Alphas act as complements, protecting the submissive or putting the falsely dominants in their place. John is falsely dominant and Dorian serves to bring him back down to Earth.

They said that he was out of control. Unpredictable. Volatile. And to be fair, they were mostly right. When Maldonado read his psych report to him, he fucking _growled_ at her. But that didn't mean he needed an Alpha. He didn't need a DRN.  
"John, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Maldonado explained placatingly, "DRNs are manufactured specifically for the Omega population, especially for cases like you."

"Oh yeah, and what kind of case am I?" John sneered challengingly.

"An Omega that thinks he's an Alpha," the captain responded. "And I don't have a problem with that John. You do excellent work, but it's become state policy that Omega's aren't allowed to work for the department without being accompanied by an Alpha figure of some sort. A lot has changed since you went into your coma."

"Hence the DRN."

"Hence the DRN," she nodded. "Let me be clear, John. The DRN is just there as an anchor. You'll be able to continue to act completely as you would normally," she paused. "And it'll even help keep you in check during that certain time of the year."

John blushed red, averting his eyes from hers.

"So where do I go to pick this thing up?"

*.*.*

He knew he was screwed as soon as the thing opened its eyes.

"How long have I been out?"

As Rudy rushed to explain things to the newly revived droid, John slumped down into a nearby chair. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew Maldonado was right. The machine was a perfect complement for his persona.

Built, but not imposing. Kind eyes, but with an intensity behind them that John knew could beat his wild spirit into submission. Though it wouldn't; that wasn't its programming. It was a perfect balance for his imbalance.

The DRN turned to face him. "John Kennex. Your record is outstanding." It smiled. "I'm Dorian."

_And I'm screwed._


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're still taking promps... John is pretty drunk and being horribly touchy-feely. Poor Dorian is stuck making sure he gets home fine. :)

Over a thousand internet resources and Dorian didn't know how to deal with this. This being his drunk partner rubbing against his side like an overly affectionate puppy.  
"Doriannnn," John slurred, frowning. "You're so cold. Why are you so cold?"

Dorian adjusted his grip on the man as he helped him make his way to his car. "I'm synthetic, John. We weren't designed to exude much body heat."

John smiled lazily, throwing one arm around his partner's shoulder. "You look really warm though," he said burrowing his face into the android's shoulder. "With your nice smile and mmpph."

Dorian's lips quirked. "You're awfully friendly when your drunk John. I'll have to take you to a bar more often."

John grunted in assent. Carefully, Dorian lowered him into the passenger seat of the vehicle before moving to get himself into the drivers seat.

By the time he'd gotten them back to John's apartment, the detective had all but passed out. Dorian had to carry him bridal-style to the elevator and into his bedroom. He smiled to himself a bit thinking about how he'd tease John about his current state tomorrow.

He was just lowering John into bed when the detective stirred, opening one bleary eye to look at Dorian.

"Hnngh, you're kind of cute," he said scrutinizingly before leaning up to give the droid a quick kiss on the mouth. He sighed contentedly before passing out on his back.

Over a thousand internet resources and Dorian didn't know how to deal with this. This being the man known as John Kennex.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (I love your cat ficlet so much I'm going to ask for a continuation) A look into John's life with his new synthetic cat and how he talks to it. Usually about Dorian.
> 
> Continuation from the cat ficlet from before, obvs

John secretly really liked cats. Like really. They were smart and independent and didn't talk back to him when he told them his secrets. Or complaints.

"Today Dorian stuck his finger in my coffee," John said conversationally. "Then offered to put it somewhere else. Not sure if I was just sexually harassed or the victim of extremely poor flirting. Maybe both?"

John got a meow in response. He nodded, "That's what I thought."

Cats were nonjudgemental. John liked that.

"Today, I took Rudy and Dorian to my favorite bar." John said, resting his head in his hands, his cat weaving between his legs to curl around his feet. "Today, I made a huge mistake." He sighed.

John liked cats because if cats were human, there's no way they would put up with all his bullshit.

"Today was a twofer. The image of a naked MX has been permanently burned into my mind AND Dorian whipped it out." John sighed. "For fuckssake, why would his designer make it so **big**?"

His cat stared at him blankly. "Yeah, I don't know either."

Most of all, John's cat always shared in his amusement.

"Today I met another Dorian," John said, snickering. "Repurposed as a sexbot." He let out a laugh. "The guy came on to me and I swear to god, I thought Dorian was going to blow a fuse. He kept murmuring 'We were made to be cops' the entire ride back to the precinct."

The cat just rolled onto it's back in askance for a belly rub. John figured that meant it was amused too.  
"Today Dorian fucked up," John said. "That sexbot I met the other day followed me back to the precinct and asked me out to lunch this morning. Dorian was in earshot when it happened and punched him in the face."

Cats couldn't call John out on his idiocy. Valerie Stahl, however could.

"He's jealous, moron!" she hissed at him the next day.

"Jealous? Of what?" John had asked in response. She just shook her head and walked away.

The only reservation John had about cats was that they couldn't congratulate him on a job well done.

"Today," John said smiling. "Today I've got a date with Dorian."

Whatever, no pet was perfect. Either way, John just really liked cats.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey, i love your prompt fics, and I was wondering if i could leave an old cliche that is a fave of mine... hm... John and Dorian sharing a bed? pretty please? they can do something (bonus if they do!) but i would love if started platonic. Thank you!

If you'd told John that four months ago he'd be sharing a bed with a synthetic, John would've told you you were wrong. Also to get bent. Yet here he was, practically spooning with his android partner.

To be fair, it was for the job. Someone was murdering folks at a kinky DroidxHuman getaway workshop and they were the best fit pair to take the case.

John blamed this entirely on Dorian. If he wasn't so almost human, they could've sent someone else or just have gone headfirst into the investigation instead of all this undercover bullshit. But no, Maldonado said since DRNs so closely resembled the sexbots that were used at the establishment, Dorian would be perfect to infiltrate and gather information.

And so here he found himself, sharing a bed with his partner.

"If this makes you uncomfortable, I could take the floor," Dorian said amicably. John grunted.

"I'd honestly loved that, but the killer sneaks in on people while they sleep. If you're on the floor when they enter the room, the person's bound to figure something's up."

Dorian rolled his eyes. "Well as long as nothing's up in this bed, you don't have to make this so awkward."

"I'm not making it awkward!"

"Sure John," Dorian chuckled.

They didn't catch the killer that night. And if John fell asleep halfway through the night - the beds were really soft okay? - then no one had to know. Definitely no one had to know about the totally natural and normal things that occurred the morning after, waking up pressed against Dorian's back the next day. No one.

He blames everything on Dorian.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john in sick and dorian takes care of him!

Normally, John found Dorian's presence tolerable, maybe even enjoyable. Today was not a normal day. Today, John was sick in bed and couldn't be bothered to deal with his perky robotic partner.

"You know John, perhaps some orange juice would aid in your recovery. Vitamin C is shown to have many positive effects on the human immune system."

"Ngh," John groaned in reply, burying himself down further into his sheets.

"Maybe some chicken soup, man? There have been studies about the enzymes in chicken stock that-"

"Dorian," John said quietly. Dorian paused, walking up to the side of John's bed and crouching down until he was eye level with the man.

"Yes John?"

Reaching a weakened hand up, John grasped at Dorian's collar pulling him close so he could whisper in his synthetic ear.  
"Just let me fucking sleep," he hissed before he pushed Dorian back with just enough force to cause the robot to lose his balance and land on his ass.

Dorian got up, ready to let loose a snarky reply, but by then John was long gone, lost to the land of dreams.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All we have to do is make sure Bones’ great great great great grandfather or whatever doesn’t die today and we can go home!" ST crossover w/Jim & Spock time travel, Jorian please? (bonus if all four of them interact)

"Please, you've got to believe me, Bones, err Bones Sr.? Sir?"

"Kid," John said, managing to level the blonde with a glare while cuffing him against the back of his cruiser. "You're obviously in need of some psychological help which I have neither the patience nor experience to provide."

"Actually John, considering the amount of therapists you've been to over the last year, I'm think you're at least capable of giving a good recommendation."

"Shut it, Dorian," John snarled. "Just get him and his pointy-eared friend into the back of the car, so I can get on with my day."

"I find that comment needlessly xenophobic," Spock intoned as Dorian fitted him with his own pair of handcuffs, voice a bit muffled from the position he was in, being held facedown against the pavement by the android.

Dorian rolled his eyes. "Don't mind him. John's just mad because..." Dorian trailed off, "Actually there's no reason. He's truly just an unpleasant person."

"I can still here you!" John shouted from the car.

"But no really!" Jim said. "You're in danger-"

"In danger of bursting a blood vessel from having been tackled by a stranger in a sparkly gold shirt and his friend, yeah," he replied sarcastically and sighed. Three more hours. Three more hours and he was off shift and could go home and just forget about this crazy day.

*.*.*

John was never going to forget this crazy day.

"So, aliens, huh," John started conversationally.

"Yup."

"Time traveling aliens."

"Mhmm."

"Time traveling aliens that want to kill me so somewhere along the road my great-great-whatever grandson is never born."

"That about covers it," Jim says taking a sip of bourbon.

"You're fucking killing me, kid."

"Your robot almost did kill me, detective," Spock piped up from across the table.

Dorian frowned. "First off, I'm not his robot. If anything, he's my human. And second of all, I thought you were kidnapping him, which would be bad considering I programmed to ensure the well being of my partner."

John furrowed his brow. "Since when did you start getting so possessive?"

"Since Captain Kirk decided to start sliding his hand up your thigh in the middle of the interrogation room 2.4 hours ago," Dorian replied coolly. Everyone at the table, excluding Spock, collectively blinked. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to be sleeping with a time traveler, John."

John and Jim both spluttered. "I'll have you know that I totally wasn't planning on sleeping with your human!" Jim said defensively.

"My scans of your hormone levels say otherwise," Dorian responded, moving closer in his seat next to his partner. John just rested his head against the cool tabletop and prayed for this day to end.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You should make more stannex one shoottsss

The bar was packed and their glasses full. Well, for the moment at least.

"Damn Stahl," John laughed as she downed another drink. "Slow down, we've got all night. What is that, number five?"

"Pay close attention, John," she said, motioning for another refill. "This is how you handle your liquor."

John let out a huff. "Who says I can't handle my liquor."

Not even pausing as the bartender set down her drink, Valerie whipped out her phone, displaying a picture of John passed out in a corner at Rudy's last Christmas party. John flushed. Valerie raised her glass in cheers before downing it like the rest. It may have been her sixth shot, but she didn't miss the way John's eyes flicked briefly downward, seeming to follow the path of her drink down her throat as she swallowed.

She enjoyed this. Teasing the usually gruff and grumpy cop, making him show a little bit of the man he was before the coma and the prosthetics.

"You better not be too drunk to get yourself home," John grumbled. "If it gets to the point were you can't even call a cab, then you know you've had too much."

"It's only a teeeny bit of alcohol," Valerie slurred intentionally, leaning against his shoulder and feeling the cop tense up as he took a swig of his beer. She sat up abruptly.

"You're fake leg's really sexy, John."

The look on John's face as he choked on his drink, now she really enjoyed that.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carnival date starring John and Dorian! (bonus of there's a rollercoaster or tunnel of love involved)

"Nope. No. No! Dorian I won't do it!"

"C'mon, John," Dorian said, eyes pleading. "It'll be fun."

John sighed, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. Goddamn, he didn't remember first dates being so difficult. "No! Only teenagers go through the tunnel of love and in case you didn't notice, I'm in my thirties."

Dorian cocked his head to his side. "I don't see how age has anything to do with it John." He blinked, "And if we're talking about age, I have less than 10 years on me in activation."

John groaned, "So basically, your telling me that I'm going on a kiddie ride while simultaneously robbing the robotic cradle."

Dorian laughed, but didn't disagree. Ten minutes later and he and the bot were strapped into a boat and entering the tunnel.

The music was cheesy. The atmosphere, stifling. And yet, it was almost bearable with Dorian pressed against his side. John's eyes traveled to his partner's and he got lost in a sea of electric blue. Dorian's hand grasped at his.

"So, what do you think?" Dorian asked softly into his ear.

"Mmm?"

Dorian smiled.

"Exactly."

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to drop me a prompt at [here](fanboytrippin.tumblr.com/asks)


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